Doomsday VIII: The Pink Menace

A dark cloud looms over Gulf Coast All-Star Wrestling’s Doomsday division — well, actually it’s a sparkly-pink-spandex-clad wrestler named Precious Jewels — but it does loom! The gender-bending grappler has been frightening and freaking out fans of the wrestling show (named Best Comedy Show in our Best of Houston® 2007 edition) for quite some time. He/she/it is the force behind Doomsday VIII: The Pink Menace. But who is he/she/it? What is his/her/its ultimate goal? We turned to two folks we thought would have the answers: Doomsday announcer Tex Lonestar and his nemesis, the sinister Hispanic manager Dirty Sanchez, but they said our guess was as good as theirs. “Precious Jewels is one of the most enigmatic professional wrestlers in the history of the great sport,” says Lonestar. “A man or a woman or an it who can get it done in the ring,” he says. This is true.

Precious Jewels has defeated a good amount of Doomsday Wrestlers — and not with body slams or pile drivers. The slippery “pink menace” rubs, grinds and humps his competition into submission. “He’s done things that you don’t want to see in a wrestling ring,” says Lonestar. Precious Jewels even left Sanchez’ top man, Your Worst Nightmare, with the heebie-jeebies — and he eats wolves. “When Precious Jewels came into the ring, Your Worst Nightmare left screaming, squealing like a little mouse,” says Sanchez, adding that this time around he is prepared.

Lonestar says Your Worst Nightmare doesn’t need to worry. “I’m trying to lobby for Precious Jewels to be banned from the building that night, maybe even the city of Houston if I can,” he says. Wait, you guys don’t know anything about him? “He could be some other professional wrestler dressed as an imposter pretending to be what he’s not,” says Lonestar.

Lonestar says he doesn’t know what to expect when it comes to Precious Jewels, but he does know one thing: “We have a great card lined up.” The seven-match card includes Bill “The Thrill” Korcynski’s return to defend his championship title, a no-holds-barred battle of the sexes between The Motor City Mama Boom Shakalaka and the Latin lover Juan Antonio More, and the debut of the 15-year-old Charlene Lonestar, Tex’s daughter. “It is a mystery, it’s almost as mysterious as Precious Jewels that somehow [Tex was] able to make a baby,” says Sanchez. 9 p.m. The Meridian, 1503 Chartres. For tickets and information, call 713-629-3711 or visit www.doomsdaywrestling.com. $12 to $15.
Sat., Jan. 12, 9 p.m., 2008